Grief Strategies for the New Year
Tools for navigating grief in the New Year.
I had a ten-point plan for the first Christmas after my fifteen-year-old son died. If it was just my husband and me, I might have skipped the holiday completely. But I needed to push through for my two younger children. So I came up with a plan. I wrote down strategies for leaving parties, ideas for new traditions and ways we could still honor my son. I carried an unbearable ache within my heart, but I pushed through.
But the pain of entering a new year without my son surprised me. It was so hard to let go of the last year he’d ever be with us. And I was just so tired. I’d put all my focus on surviving December and had no energy left to face the long dark days of winter.
Over the years, I’ve learned some strategies that have helped me cope. Grief is such a personal, unique journey, even for yourself. What works one day doesn’t work the next, but I hope some of these ideas might resonate with you.
Surrender to the rhythm of the season
The busyness of the holidays can leave you feeling drained. Plus, the winter months bring shorter days and colder nights. Don’t try to push through activities that leave you feeling drained. Instead, when you can, give in to your body’s need for more rest. Let go of the guilt over doing less and cocoon yourself in warmth by wrapping yourself in blankets, slipping on warm, fuzzy socks or taking a hot bath. Make a list of the self-care strategies that soothe you and indulge in them often.
Make your own light
The night comes early during the winter. You can banish a bit of the darkness by lighting a fire or setting candles out on your kitchen table. I hated coming home to a dark house so I strung lights around my front steps and set them on a timer to turn on at dusk. Or you can have a few battery-operated candles waiting for you by the front door. A friend of mine installed night lights all through the house. Another always kept a small lamp on, with just enough light to chase away the shadows.
Journaling
I stumbled into journaling by accident. It started with a list of memories that I scribbled into the back of a notebook. It evolved from there until I was writing every morning. Journaling allowed me to express all of my emotions, even the ones I was trying to keep inside. Sometimes I filled my pages with anger and resentment and guilt. Writing helped me release my emotions. After I wrote, I ripped out the paper and burned it in the fire. Other times I wrote beautiful letters to my son. Journaling meets you where you are and helps you acknowledge the validity of all your emotions. Buy a fancy, padded journal or a simple spiral notebook. Fill it with your feelings. Let your anger spill over onto the page. Or write a letter to your loved one or make a list of favorite memories or meals shared together.
Mindful Moments
Grieving can leave you feeling scattered and unfocused. You can ground yourself by sinking into the present moment a few times throughout the day. One way is by focusing on your breath. Inhale through your nose, allowing your belly to expand. Then exhale out your mouth, letting all your muscles relax on the out breath. Focus on your breath. Feel it move through your body. Listen to the sound of your breath as it leaves your body. Feel your muscles melt on the exhale. If it helps, close your eyes so you can focus on each sensation. Repeat two or three times.
Connect to Nature
Walking outside is another way to focus on the present moment. Surrounding yourself in nature can help calm you while moving your body helps lift your mood. It doesn’t need to be long or strenuous. But on the days when you can’t be outside you can still connect to nature by bringing it inside. You can keep a bowl of pinecones on your front dresser. Or diffuse aromatherapy oils into the air or hang scenes of nature on your walls. Even watching a nature show on tv can help remind you of its calming and healing effects.
Create Meaningful Touchstones
Touchstones are important because of the meaning we give them. It doesn’t matter what item you choose. It could be a picture frame, a piece of jewelry or a stuffed animal. I started picking up rocks on my walks. At home, I placed them on my fire pit. I wrote words on each one - peace, love, hope, faith, courage. Each day, I chose one rock and slipped it into my pocket, my fingers wrapped around the smooth surface, their weight reminding me of the word I carried, the word that filled me with meaning. They became my touchstones, a symbol and reminder of something more.
Choose the touchstones that matter to you and infuse it with meaning. When you put on a special necklace, think This is the necklace I wear when I need more courage. If you reach out and touch a picture frame, think This is my reminder that my loved one is near. These little rituals can fill your life with meaning.
I wish there was a ten-point plan to conquer grief. But it doesn’t work that way. There are no right or wrong tools to help you navigate grief. And even when you find the right tool for that day, it’s not a magical cure that gets you over grief.
But tools can help ease some of your pain and help you carry your grief. Find the ones that resonate with you. Let me know if you have your own tools that work for you.
